an eloquently warped point of view from the tongue of a cartoon character.

Tag: mean girls

Foxy Hockey Hullabaloo


“‘One word: ‘Fight.’ Anyone can do it when it feels good. When you’re hurting, that’s when it makes a difference, so you have to keep fighting.” -Erin Cafaro, 2008 rowing Olympic gold medalist

When I graduated from high school, my class had its celebration at the Fairmont.

It was a Moulin Rouge themed, feather-laden, wine-fest, with an after-hours chicken finger bar, and one constipated parent who complained about the theme being too inappropriate and promiscuous.

Even though no one gave the Les Mis theme a chance.

Halfway through the night, I managed to successfully sneak into a few photo booth pictures, drink the leftover wine on most tables, and dance hard enough to make my feet gush blood while the DJ spun his sick beats.

It was nearing midnight, and I decided that I needed a few more decent memories before I trudged off to my eventual grave in the cemetery that was university.

I noticed my friend Amanda going into the photo booth with her boyfriend at the time, and as they kissed and canoodled for the camera’s timer, I poked my head in through the back panel.

Now, I honestly don’t know why it was so funny, but when the picture printed, I laughed so fucking hard that I peed my pants.

Screen shot 2014-11-23 at 3.54.42 PM

All that table wine may have been a contributing factor.

I was wearing my favourite pair of neon orange, camera-covered panties, which I decided I needed to remove immediately, and so I left a ballroom of floor-length gowns and tuxedos to take off my underwear.

When I got into the bathroom, I wrapped them in a paper towel, washed my hands 4 times, then proceeded to figure out what to do with my favourite pair of underwear. After all, I couldn’t just throw them away.

They were lucky. They were the only reason I had passed my biology exam. They were the only reason I had the courage to go out and meet people after an exhausting breakup with my ex-boyfriend.

These underwear had magical powers, and whether they smelled like pee or not, I was NOT just going to abandon them in a hotel washroom trashcan.

I’m not even lying when I say that this would be a more appropriate send off.

After literally thirty seconds of thought, and realizing that sticking them in my purse would be a super gross idea, I decided I would stick them in the sick room, and get them just before the night was over (by the way, the sick room is a place that you go if you get too drunk and can’t function. Or if you get, like, sick, I guess. But no one catches a damn cold at grad, lemme tell ya’.)

When I was in the room, however, my plans were quickly thwarted, seeing as the only thing in the small space were two stripped down cots on thin metal framing. I shoved the underwear under the bed’s wiring, adjusted the mattress, and just as I was about to shut the door behind me, I noticed someone crying on the leather armchair outside.

She was in a royal blue dress similar to mine, with one strap going over a shoulder, the other bare (except hers wasn’t an eye-gouging shade of pink). Her makeup ran down both cheeks, and though her manicured hands were polished and prim, her fingers were spotted from wiping away tears.

When I asked her what was wrong, she let out a louder sob, people around us turning their heads to see the source of the noise. I hesitated momentarily before leading her into the sick room, shutting the door behind us.

Apparently a girl we graduated with had snubbed her in a cruel display of ostrich feathers and Mean Girls-esuqe cattiness.

I tried to comfort her, telling her that the girl was pretty much stuck in her ways like a Louboutin in wet grass, that she should ignore her behaviour that reeked like a middle school sock-hop, but the girl in the blue dress kept crying.

After about 20 minutes of talking, I stopped my feel-good ramble. The scent had hit my nostrils, and I was suddenly hyper-aware that my new friend was sitting on top of my pee-soaked underwear.

“I pissed my pants earlier. Then I shoved them under the bed you’re sitting on.”

I paused.

“I’m sorry.”

Cailey Hay looked up at me from between her fingers. She let out a loud laugh.
Then she told me she wished we could have been friends earlier in the year, which was a weird reaction to someone telling you they pissed themselves in public.


Pictured: Head of Hockey Hotness

Cailey Hay is a 21-year-old hockey player from OakBank, Manitoba, but I met her when she came to the hallowed halls of kilts and cliques.

Although we weren’t close then, we reconnected after realizing my piss-pants antics were a pretty solid bonding mechanism. In my eyes, she has always been an outspoken, confident woman who dominates on the rink, and connects with just about everyone she meets.

And no matter where we find ourselves, Cailey Hay turns heads, whether it’s hitting up MAW’s beer garden, or going to Whiskey Dix with me and her ex-boyfriend’s mom. Part of it is because she’s a babe and a half, but the other part is because of the level of confidence she exudes.

Cailey Hay is the perfect example of a Manitoba-grown, hockey-playing beauty who has worked hard at loving herself, despite life’s crooked obstacles. Being a well-rounded teammate and athlete is just one side of her. Being a daring, fiery, fashionable smoke show, is another.

As she attempts to balance all areas of her life on the edge of her skate, and be body-confident on and off the ice, this University of British Columbia powerhouse does her best to take on all challenges headfirst.


But at least she’s wearing her helmet.

I think that body positivity is having a healthy relationship between your brain and your body. It’s just like any other relationship that you would have with another human being, except the majority of the contact is done in your own mind.

This all kind of hit home when I was schmoozing the Internet and found a quote saying, “Don’t say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to others.”

Everything clicked.

People think that it’s okay to constantly bash themselves, and end up defining themselves through the vision of others.

In reality, you would never EVER go to your friends, or significant others, and say, “hey, your cellulite makes me nauseous,” “you are truly the ugliest person I’ve ever seen,” or “you’re a cow” (and if you do, please stop, now).

And yet, people don’t hesitate for a second when saying these things to themselves. There is such a disconnect between sharing happiness and kindness with your friends and family, and sharing these same loving thoughts with yourself.

Beyonce, who I love so much, said in her song Pretty Hurts:

When you’re alone all by yourself,

And you’re lying in your bed,

Reflection stares right into you,

Are you happy with yourself?

You stripped away the masquerade,

The illusion has been shed,

Are you happy with yourself?

Are you happy with yourself?


At the end of the day, all you have is yourself. No matter who comes and goes in your life, you are the only one that will be present for every second of every day.

Playing hockey is the main reason I have any confidence at all. As opposed to individual sports, hockey requires so many different types of players to create a successful team.

Unlike men’s hockey, where all players have a fairly generic body type (tall, muscular- but toned- and bordering on thin), female hockey players come in all different shapes and sizes.

If there’s a female body-type you can think of, you can literally find it in our dressing room. This kind of physical diversity reflects the diversity of skills that make up our team. 

Everyone brings different strengths (and weaknesses) to the table, and even though no individual is perfect, together we create this flawless mosaic.

Being permanently attached to a team of women who stick together through thick and thin, through defeat and success, is the greatest gift in the world. It’s because of this atmosphere that I have experienced support in its purest form.

With competition as the base, these relationships extend beyond our sport to our everyday lives. Meaning, at the end of the day, hockey or no hockey, I will always have a family to back me up, just as I will always be there for them.

My team IS my confidence. 

As for my favourite physical feature… I would have to say my eyes.

I think it’s because every time I look in a mirror, I see my parents. With my father having green eyes, and my mother having blue eyes, I was gifted this odd and and beautiful combination of the two.

I also like that the colour seems to change with the clothes I wear, or with the lighting of a room. It’s fun to be a chameleon of sorts, having a mysterious part of you that can’t be defined.


At the end of the day, hockey is a sport that seriously EVERYONE can love.

So many people who have never played watch the NHL on television for literally fifteen minutes, and they’re like, ‘This is stupid. Shoes with blades on them? Nah, that isn’t really my cup of tea…’

Well let me tell you, it’s so much more then that.

There are so many leagues around, especially considering we live in Canada, that provide open ice and games for all skill levels.

Even my mother, at 50, plays hockey occasionally. Anyone can do it! My personal favourite thing to do is to wait until Christmas time, and hit the outdoors rinks with family and friends.

If you’re not so much into playing the actual game, and just want to strap the skates on, it’s a really amazing experience to skate the river at The Forks in Winnipeg (also in at Christmas time).”

This is how this head of hockey hotness stays body positive.


Consistently Inconsistant Confidence

One morning I woke up and cringed.

1. My unibrow was beginning to grow in, and my left eyebrow was racing straight upwards.
2. I hadn’t bleached the hair on my upper lip.
3. My curls were knotted, and then knotted again, and then knotted a third time.
4. I had two zits- one right beside the other- on my otherwise clear skin.
5. I could make out the scar in the middle of my forehead from an unfortunate USB flash drive incident.
6. The writing on my hand from my notes yesterday was smooshed on my face like some silly putty distorting an imprinted comic.

I didn’t look normal- I looked ugly. And those were just the facial issues.

I wasn’t happy with my appearance. I felt gross, lumpy, out of place, and ugly. Despite the hundreds of dollars I’ve spent on cosmetics, the relatively positive attitude I have, and my consistant beauty routines, I felt gross that day.

When I went out in public, I couldn’t help but spot my damn reflection in every surface I passed.

1. I walked beside a shiny car window.
2. The food court table at the mall was obnoxiously clean.
3. Some woman infront of me at Starbucks opened her compact.
4. I accidentally wandered into the mirror room at my dad’s store (seriously; mirrors, like, everywhere).

I probably even caught my reflection in a client’s lipgloss at work while I showed them how to shade in their eyebrows. Or when I drank that cup of water. Or in the microwave while heating up my leftover Chinese food. (Side Note: If you haven’t already, please please please go and eat at Evergreen Restaurant on Pembina. The food is unreal. Ask for ginger and green onion sauce– then pour it on everything. Or eat it with a spoon like my friend Amanda does. Either way works.)

It bummed me out. Especially since lately I thought I looked, oh, I dunno…


But I knew this was normal. I knew that in a few days, I’d wake up and look in the mirror to see myself as some glowing goddess of chipped teeth and dry hair, with permanent bra-strap-shoulder-gutters and too much blush. I knew that I’d walk past a reflective surface, and greet my mirror self with admiration- not pity. I knew this because I’m trying to be body confident,

and some days, body confidence means not really liking yourself.

To quote Chloe Vickar, a previous contributor to my blog“Body positivity is a package deal — one simply cannot have the good days without the bad.”

Even the most confident people in the world are bound to feel miserable with themselves from time to time. I guarantee that everyone out there has had a day when they feel like the most perfect version of themselves, and others when they only see their least favourite features.

Body confidence is not a definite thing- it’s not like you either have it or you don’t. Some people have a lot of confidence, others a pocket full, and others an ounce. Some people have it all the time, others have it never, and some have it day-to-day. My goal for self love is not to be the perfect version of myself, but rather the version of myself I’m comfortable with that day. Rather than correcting the flaws or working on my thunder thighs or shaving my ‘stache, I’ve began trying to embrace parts of myself that other people may not find pretty. I’m trying to accept what I have on a daily basis.

Some days, I’m a pageant beauty queen. Other days, I’m pageant runner-up.

Other days I’m a cat.

My soon to be sister-in-law Laura sent me photo series by photographer Gracie Hagen.

Illusions of the Body (warning: nudity), ” was made to tackle the supposed norms of what we think our bodies are supposed to look like. Most of us realize that the media displays only the prettiest photos of people, yet we compare ourselves to those images. We never get to see those photos juxtaposed against a picture of that same person looking unflattering. That contrast would help a lot of body image issues we as a culture have…

Celebrate your shapes, sizes & the odd contortions your body can get itself into. The human body is a weird & beautiful thing.”

Us Vs. Them (and a Little Bit of Mean Girls)

When I first got involved with the body positive movement, I encountered a lot of blogs that told me ‘real men’ like curves, so I really didn’t have to worry about how big my hips were (HA. TAKE THAT, DIETS).

People liked to push the idea that all men (all real men), would apparently love every inch of my body, despite the size. As a teenager with low self esteem, that was exciting. I was super happy to see that the internet thought men (and not just ANY men, but real men), would pick the chubby chick over the ‘gross’ skinny girls.

“Yay! All boys everywhere will love me forever!”

Growing up, I was constantly told that being fat, or ‘bigger’, was unattractive. Because of this, a part of me was always envious of thin girls.

I mean, thin girls had it so easy.
I thought they didn’t have to worry about what they wore, because everything fit. I thought they didn’t have to be self-conscious about their appearance, because they ALWAYS effortlessly looked good. Thin girls didn’t have to worry about being judged when they were eating, and thin girls could go into any store they wanted and their size would be available. Thin girls could shop for bras in stores at the mall (plus, thin girls didn’t have to worry about someone pretending their bra cup was an astronaut’s helmet).

Messages like, “Real men love curves, only the dogs like bones“, and “Once you go big, you never go twig“, were simple enough to remember when I felt the sting of jealousy. I’d dramatically roll my eyes at skinny bodies. I’d pause, then audibly groan, because, “They should eat a burger”. I’d point out when someone was ‘too skinny’, and then cruelly pick apart their physical appearance. I never forgot to add how ‘repulsive’ it was to be that thin. I was very insecure, and very judgmental.

Very, very judgmental.

You know that scene in Mean Girls: that scene where Cady Heron has a very moving epihpany while facing off against Miss Caroline Krafft? In the scene, Cady realizes that making fun of someone will not make her a happier person. At the end of her speech, she adds, “All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you”. When I re-watched Mean Girls for the billionth time a few years ago (I watch Mean Girls at least 14 times a year), that scene helped me work out an epiphany of my own:

Body acceptance does not mean accepting your body, and rejecting others. Body acceptance means admiring the differences in other people’s appearances, and accepting the version of themselves they choose to present. Being fat does not give you permission to critique a thin person’s appearance, eating habits, or lifestyle. Being thin does not give you permission to critique a fat person’s appearance, eating habits or lifestyle.

Do not waste your time and energy trying to love yourself if you are unable to value other bodies around you. If you feel like commenting on someone’s physical appearance, or if you are offended by someone’s body, ask yourself: Is this body causing me harm in any way? No. Is this body ruining my life in any way? No. Is this body mine? No? Then why do you care.

If someone is happy being thin, let them be thin. If someone is happy being fat, let them be fat. If someone is happy being a triangular prism, cylinder, oval, heptagon, or cuboid, let them be whatever shape they want to be. It’s not your body. It’s not your call. Do not make body acceptance an us vs. them thing, where only one body type will reign supreme.

As for the ‘real men love curves’, business, I gave up on that forever ago.
Just because someone is attracted to one body type and not another, does not make them any less of a person. Insulting someone because of their preferences, and demeaning them because they like apples more than oranges, is rude. The only time someone is not a ‘real’ person, or ‘real’ man, is when they go out of their way to attack your body/physical appearance.

I deal with these judgmental people by walking away.

Just casually walking away.

P.S.: If you haven’t heard, my favourite clothing company, Abercrombie & Fitch, has decided to make plus size clothing after their stock dropped to an extreme low. Does this mean I’ll shop there?